man, winter sucks ass. i get super depressed and mull in my own whatever until it gets warm, but these false starts (at least on the right coast) to spring piss me off. i'll leave my window open at night and wake up freezing. but a couple days ago, despite the immediate return to coldness, i felt like a million bucks. i was bouncing off the walls, drawing all the time, taking long fast bike rides, just generally feeling swell. i hang out more now. i've been playing more guitar. it's an exciting time to be alive, and it's a strong future that's taking place. i mean that last part in a completely isolated-from-national/global-issues way, just a sense that swift currents of change and power are flowing everywhere.

i don't blog.

but this seems like the kind of community that if will jones were to blog somewhere, this would be the place will jones blogged. myspace is like a mega-mall, and i don't give a shit what people in malls think. i don't have a livejournal, but i imagine it would feel like english class--a bunch of yobs, one or two geniuses, and like one person you care about. i did have a deadjournal for like ninety seconds, and that was like when i switched to dumb english in high school--i did NOT want to talk to the people in there. i had a conceptart.org page, which was like an art history lecture class, then it was like an art history lecture class where the teacher never showed up and they forgot to hire a new one. here, though, i feel like i'm back in art class: everyone's at least as weird as me, i can speak my damn mind, and it's guaranteed that the atmosphere is fresher than that in the hallway.

cocaine is a hell of a drug.

i start painting houses again today. mothafuckin cash on tha barrelhead. i made pizzas for a few weeks previously, and that was cool i guess, but the other kids there were a tad too relaxed. and the boss was a prig. he hated it that i was totally cool with the owner, whom i used to work for, which was funny.

the dude who does perry bible fellowship is taking a sabbatical; this is unfortunate.

i smoked way too many cigarettes today.

also i went to this dude's house for a cookout. he's a british export, and i think he became obsessed with punk rock at an early age from the outside: he seems to like the trappings and the social conventions more than the mission or the politics (for what they're worth). he has house shows from time to time, and he gave his house a "sweet title." but a stank floor does not a venue make. recently he's begun to get less uptight about girls, sliding towards sweaty-palmed hip-pimp territory--he thinks a few ladies' digits makes him a playa.

i noticed as i expertly flipped burgers in the too-goddamn-cold that all these people standing around, talking quietly, complaining good-naturedly about the wind, that everybody seemed tired. not like it was late, but a meta-fatigue; it was obvious life had worn these folks out. i thought, oh college is starting back up, it's winter, et cetera, but then i thought about the kids i knew, being most of them, and looked in their faces. their eyes were all dead.

i suddenly wanted to get the hell out of there. instead, we went inside and played rock band. i crushed the drums on medium on mississippi queen (which is fly for me) and my buddy efrem (the head bursting from the sandlot in that kickball pic, only that was him years ago) murdered guitar, but even though most of the kids at the cookout straggled in to watch, nobody was remotely excited. when they laughed or cheered or heckled, there was neither mirth nor bite. just like outside, just like the whole night, these people were bored. i gazed into the desperate yawning event horizon of apathy, and i steeled my existence. i rerealized that i despise apathy, and will continue to direct my life toward destroying it.

hate is a powerful thing, but it is not the opposite of love.

courage, dear hearts; the future won't leave you behind unless you let go.

"enjoy your worries, you may never have them again."